This article is meant to be read before your first date with a guy, or at least right after it’s finished. However, you can still read it whenever you feel that you might need a wake-up call. Disclaimer: reading this will awake memories of men who no longer wake up next to you.
1. Romantic fuckface
His go-to line: “I never want to stop looking at you…”
This is the type of guy that becomes a poet who’s narrating his woman’s life. He’s not too bad, to be honest. Nice, handsome, romantic, pleasant, plus he will do anything for you. And he would walk 500 miles and he would walk five hundred more. And at night, he’d give you his heart hoping you wouldn’t give it away the very next day. But you take one look at him and you know it’s not meant to be. He just doesn’t get you wet. No chemistry.
2. The Average Joe
Go-to line: “School cannot teach me the things that life will…”
If his educational ambition reserves ran out after graduating high school, there’s only two possible reasons behind it: either he’s a genius, or he’s an idiot. If it’s the former – he won’t have time for you. If it’s the latter – you won’t have time for him.
3. Mr. Cliche
He’ll tell you that politicians are thieves and that the health industry runs on bribes. he’s furious when the government spends his tax money on stupid things, he hates Nicki Minaj, Justin Bieber, Kanye West, Fox News and the Vatican. And no, he hasn’t seen that thing on Buzzfeed, because Buzzfeed is a website for the braindead members of society, and no, he doesn’t visit TMZ for the same reason.
So how the hell did he know who Nicki Minaj was? He must read about her in a Dostoyevsky novel. He must have!
4. The Bum
Go-to line: “You know, I don’t obsess about fashion.”
Go-to look: street urchin.
For date night, he’ll put on a “trendy” lumberjack shirt covered by a plaid sweater. He wears white socks with boat shoes, reeks of cheap cologne and never, ever leaves a tip.
5. Teddy bear!
Go-to line: “I’m so lonely. I just want somebody to hug…”
This group consists mostly of the thirty year old men I described last week: men with “a past”, divorced, widowed, lonely, forgotten lost causes. “No woman will ever want me”. “I’m just looking for the love of my life.” Most of them have the look of a punished puppy and they are dying to be hugged. All day long.
Remember this one thing: never put out to a man who was dumped at least twice by other women. If they didn’t want him, you won’t either.
6. The Stinker
Smells like: whatever’s currently glued to his sock.
Symptoms: only visible when the date ends up moving to his house, to your dismay. Look around you. See if it’s clean. Do not fall for all the simple tricks. Check out the drying rack by the sink. Is it full of dishes? That means he cleaned them before you came. They probably lied in the sink for days, rotting. Smell his pillow, look for yellow streaks on his toilet, inspect his toothbrush to see how worn-out it is. Use these details to paint the big picture.
7. The Amazing Ramen-Man
He doesn’t know how to boil an egg. He probably doesn’t know how to boil water, for that matter.
Test: Check out his fridge. If there’s no vegetables, white meat or fish inside, but there’ plenty of beer, cheap cheese and suspiciously-old looking sausage, it means that the guy eats like a 13 year old boy and doesn’t know the first thing about cooking. You should only get together with a guy who’s afraid of the kitchen if your utmost ambition is to be a housewife. Because, well, if he won’t cook, somebody has to.
8. The Illiterate
There’s no two ways about it. If there’s no books in his apartment, know that you’ve reached intellectual rock bottom.
If he’s trying to tell you that he’s got no books, because there’s he doesn’t have room for books, well… It’s a new bottom. And it’s even rockier.
There’s no such thing as an intelligent and wise man who doesn’t read books, just like there’s no such thing as a valuable woman who could spend a weekend with him.
9. The Prince Of Mysteries
He never discusses his exes. He won’t talk about his past. He pretends his job is top secret stuff and if he told you anything, he’d have to kill you. Bullshit. He’s just a regional salesman who spends his days being held by the throat by his equally dumb boss.
There’s a certain type of people who think they can build a healthy relationship with someone and not inform the other person that they have a child from a previous relationship, or that they have cheated on their significant others in the past or that they don’t have the money to live a good life.
Such people believe that we are all entitled to certain secrets. Such people will always end up forming toxic relationships.
10. Mr. Average
Ask him a simple question: other than the weird face, is there anything that separates you from the crowd? Do you have any special skills? Are you passionate about something, what do you pursue in your free time? Other than the skill of opening beer cans with your ears, is there anything at all you could do to impress me?
I’m afraid that about 99% of men will be defeated by this question. The ambitions of a modern man revolve around being in school from morning till evening or working at an office from morning till evening, binge drinking on the weekends and praying for a raise and promotion, so they can become the boss of idiots like them.