No Such Thing As Being Obnoxious.

I keep getting requests to talk about the best ways to “pick up a guy”. However, women ask me to make sure my ideas are smart and subtle, so their courtship won’t come off as obnoxious. Let me tell you about one of humanity’s biggest mysteries. And by that I mean men.

You see, us men…

We’re a lot simpler than you think. You don’t need to charm us with poetry, send us flowers, heart-shaped chocolates and rose-scented love letters. We don’t expect you to support us and demonstrate your kindness and gentleness, though we are very hungry for compliments and you shouldn’t forget about dispensing them generously.

You don’t need to invite us on multiple dates, we don’t need to go to the movies. Your fat wallet does not make you more attractive in our eyes, neither does your car, your house or a flesh-covered cheese grater where your stomach should be. We don’t think about eternal love and we don’t expect marriage, children, a house in the suburbs and a golden retriever in the backyard. We don’t want you to enthrall us with your opinions on the meaning of life, music, your favorite films and novels you haven’t actually read all the way through. We’re a simple species. Do not overestimate our intelligence. We don’t care about how “obnoxious” your pick up line is, as long as you’re young, attractive, single and a fan of sex.

You don’t need to have the world’s longest legs and roundest breasts; you don’t need to have an ass that looks like it was designed in a laboratory. We’re still more flawed, and usually uglier than you are. An average man would fuck everything that has a hole and doesn’t run on batteries. Your attempts at showcasing your intellect is like throwing pearls before swine, as we only care about one thing. And that thing is not discovering the most mysterious corners of the female psyche. No matter how sophisticated your idea of approaching us is, you will probably get better results with a simple: “do you like what you see?”

Ask the damn question and let him do the rest.

One question, one answer. The courting process is over, thank you very much. We honestly don’t need much more than that.

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